A man is taking a walk in Central park in New York. Suddenly he sees a little girl being attacked by a pit bull. He runs over and starts fighting with the dog. He succeeds in killing the dog and saving the girl's life. A policeman who was watching the scene walks over and says: "You are a hero, tomorrow you can read it in all the newspapers: "Brave New Yorker saves the life of little girl" The man says: - "But I am not a New Yorker!" "Oh then it will say in newspapers in the morning: " Brave American saves life of little girl'" - the policeman answers. "But I am not an American!" - says the man. "Oh, what are you then?" The man says: - "I am a Pakistani!" The next day the newspapers say: "Islamic extremist kills American dog. Connections to terrorist networks are being explored"
 

Getting on a plane, I told the ticket lady, "Send one of my bags to New York, send one to Los Angeles, and send one to Miami."

She said, "We can't do that!"

I told her, "You did it last week!"
 

It was mealtime on a small airline and the flight attendant asked the passenger if he would like dinner.

"What are my choices?" he asked.

"Yes or No," she replied.
 

Sherlock Holmes & Dr. Watson went on a camping trip. After a good meal and a bottle of wine, they lay down for the night and went to sleep. Some hours later, Holmes awoke and nudged his faithful friend,"Watson, look up and tell me what you see". Watson replied, "I see millions and millions of stars". "And what does that tell you?" Holmes asked. Watson pondered for a minute, "Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I deduce that time is about a quarter past 3. Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful and that we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. Why, what does it tell you?” Holmes was silent for a minute, then spoke, "Someone has stolen our tent".
 

The frightened tourist: "Are there any bats in this cave?"
The guide: "There were, but don't worry, the snakes ate all of them."
 

Did you hear about the new restaurant on the moon?

Great food but no atmosphere!!!
 

Waiter: "Tea or coffee, gentlemen?"
1st customer: "I'll have tea."
2nd customer: "Me, too - and be sure the glass is clean!"
                 (Waiter exits, returns)
Waiter: "Two teas. Which one asked for the clean glass?"
 

A traveller pulls into a hotel around midnight and asks the clerk for a single room. As the clerk fills out the paperwork, the man looks around and sees a gorgeous blonde sitting in the lobby. He tells the clerk to wait while he disappears into the lobby. After a minute he comes back, with the girl on his arm.

"Fancy meeting my wife here," he says to the clerk. "Guess I'll need a double room for the night."

Next morning, he comes to settle his bill, and finds the amount to be over $3000. "What's the meaning of this?" he yells at the clerk. "I've only been here one night!"

"Yes," says the clerk, "But your wife has been here for three weeks."
 

A man went to a quiet beach, changed his outfits, posted a sign on his outfits, which read: “Don’t even think to touch these.” - World Champion in Boxing – Then he went swimming. When he returned from swimming, his outfits were gone and there was a note there that said: “Thanks for expensive outfits. Don't even think to follow me” – World Champion in Running
 

There was a farmer who raised watermelons. Some local kids would sneak into his watermelon patch at night and eat watermelons disturbed him. After some careful thought he came up with a clever idea that he thought would scare the kids away for sure. So he made up the sign and posted it in the field. The next day the kids show up and they see this sign, it says, "Warning!! One of the watermelons in this field has been injected with cyanide."

So the kids run off, make up their own sign and post it next to the sign that the farmer made. The farmer shows up the next week and when he looks over the field he notices that no watermelons are missing but he notices a new sign next to his. He drives up to the sign, which read: "Now there are two".
 

Patient: "Will I survive this risky operation?"
Surgeon: "Yes, I'm absolutely sure that you will survive the operation."
Patient: "How can you be so sure?"
Surgeon: "9 out of 10 patients die in this operation, and yesterday died my ninth patient
 

Arguing with a lawyer is like mud wrestling with a pig: After a while you realize that the pig actually enjoys it.
 

A new client had just come in to see a famous lawyer.
"Can you tell me how much you charge?” said the client.
"Of course", the lawyer replied, "I charge $200 to answer three questions!"
"Well that's a bit steep, isn't it?"
"Yes it is", said the lawyer, "And what's your third question?"