Laugh A While - Marriages
¨ Marriage is the only war where you sleep with
the enemy. - Gary Busey
¨ Marriage is not a word; it is a sentence. - King Vidor
¨ Marriage is like a cage; one sees the birds
outside desperate to get in,
and those inside equally desperate to get
out. - Michel
de Montaigne
¨
There is only one way to have a happy marriage a
and as soon as I
learn what it is, I will get married again. -Clint
Eastwood
¨ They say love is blind...and marriage is an
institution.
Well, I am not ready for an institution for
the blind just yet. Mae West
¨ My
wife dresses to kill. She also cooks the same way. - Henny
Youngman
¨ My
wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met. - Rodney
Dangerfield
¨ A
good wife always forgives her husband when she is wrong. - Milton Berle
¨ I was married by a judge. I should have asked
for a jury. - George
Burns
¨
I bought my
wife a new car. She called and said,
"There was water in the carburetor."
I asked her,
"Where's the car?" She replied, "In the lake." - Henny Youngman
¨ Never
go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.
The secret
of a happy marriage remains a secret. - Henny Youngman
¨
After a quarrel, a wife said to her husband,
"You know, I was a fool when I married you."
The husband replied,
"Yes, dear, but I was in love and didn't notice."
¨ When a man steals your wife, there is no
better revenge than to let him keep her.
¨ I have not spoken to my wife in 18 months - I
do not like to interrupt her.
¨ My girl friend told me I should be more
affectionate. Therefore, I got myself two girlfriends.
¨
A man said
his credit card was stolen but he decided not to report it
since the thief was spending
much less, than his wife did.
¨
Getting married is very much like going to a
restaurant with friends.
You order what you want, and then when you see what the other fellow has, you
wish you had ordered that.
¨ Man is incomplete until he is married. Then
he is finished.
¨ A little boy asked his father, "Daddy,
how much does it cost to get married?"
The father replied, "I don't know
son, I'm still paying."
¨
Young Son: Is it true, Dad that in some parts of
Africa a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her? Dad: That happens in
every country, son.
¨
Then there was a man who said, "I never knew
what real happiness was until I got married then it was too late.
¨
A man placed an ad in the classifieds: "Wife
wanted." The next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the
same: "You can have mine."
¨
A woman was telling her friend, "I made my
husband a millionaire." "And what was he before you married
him?" asked the friend. "A
billionaire." she replied,
¨
The trouble with being the best man at a wedding is
that you never get to prove it.
¨
A man, upon his engagement, went to his father and
said," Dad! I've found a woman just like mother” His father replied,
"So what do you want? Sympathy?"
¨
Eighty
percent of married men cheat in America. The rest cheat in Europe.
¨
Marriage is
the triumph of imagination over intelligence. Second marriage is the
triumph of hope over experience.
¨
If you want your spouse to listen and pay strict
attention to every word you say, talk in your sleep.
¨
I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first
name was Always.
¨
It's not true that married men live longer than
single men. It only seems longer.
¨
Losing a wife can be very hard. In my case, it was
almost impossible.
¨
A man was complaining to a friend: "I had it
all - money, a beautiful house, a big car, the love of a beautiful woman - and then, BAM! it was
all gone!" "What
happened?" asked his friend. "My wife found out..."
¨
Just think if it weren't for marriage, men would go
through life thinking they had no faults at all.
¨
I think one of the greatest things about marriage is
that as both husband and father, I can say anything I want to around the house.
Of course, no one pays the least bit of attention.
¨
A successful
man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is
one who can find such a man.
¨
A man
meets a genie. The genie tells him he can ask for whatever he wants, but his
mother-in-law gets double of what he gets.
The man thinks for a moment and says, "Okay, give me a million
dollars and beat me till I'm half dead."
¨
Men who have
pierced ears are better prepared for marriage. They’ve experienced pain and
bought jewelry. An expensive way to get
your laundry done free. The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday
is to forget it once.
¨
First, guy
(proudly): "My wife's an angel!"
Second guy: "You're lucky, mine's still alive
Newly Weds - Wife to Husband “Dear, don't expect the first few meals
to be great.
It takes time to find the
right restaurant."
*****
A couple drove down a
country road several miles, not saying a word.
An earlier discussion had
led to an argument and neither of them wanted to concede their position.
As they passed a barnyard of
mules, goats and pigs, the husband asked sarcastically
" Relatives of yours? "
"Yep" the wife
replied “in-laws"
*****
Wife, one evening, drew her
husband's attention to the couple next door and said,
"Do you see that
couple? How devoted they are? He kisses her every time they meet.
Why don't you do that?"
"I would love to," replied the husband, "but I don't
know her well enough."
*****
An ugly but well painted woman at a party
walked up to a man and told him,
''If you were my husband, I would poison your
drink."
The man replied, ‘‘if you
were my wife I would drink it.''
*****
At the cocktail party, one
woman said to another,
"Aren't you wearing
your wedding ring on the wrong finger?"
The other replied, "Yes I am, I married the wrong man."
*****
Before marriage, a woman
respects a man, after marriage, she suspects him
and after death she respects
him.
*****
There was a guy who told his
woman that he loved her so much that he would go thro' hell for her.
They got married-and now he
is going thro it.
*****
Husband & Wife-Encounter with God
Once God appeared
before a couple and offered to take one of them to heaven.
The husband
graciously told God to take his wife.
His wife was very
moved by his generosity.
Then God asked him
why he offered his wife instead of himself for which he replied,
"God! If you
take my wife that will be heaven enough for me!"
*****
Husband & Wife - Problem Father
"You looked
troubled," I told my friend, "what's your problem?"
He replied,
"I'm going to be a father."
"But that's
wonderful," I said.
"What's
wonderful? My wife doesn't know about it yet.
*****
From his death
bed, the husband called his wife and said,
"One month
after I die I want you to marry Samy."
"Samy! But he
is your enemy!"
*****
At the cocktail
party, one woman said to another,
"Aren't you
wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger? "
The other replied,
"Yes I am, I married the wrong man."
*****
A husband visited
a marriage counselor and said, "When we were first married, I would come
home from the office, my wife would bring my slippers and our cute little dog
would run around barking.
Now after ten
years it's all different, I come home, the dog brings the slippers and my wife
runs around barking."
"Why
complain?" said the counselor. "You're still getting the same
service!"
*****
One woman told
another: "My neighbour is always speaking ill of her husband,
but look at me, my
husband is foolish, lazy and a coward;
but have I ever
said anything bad about him?"
*****
Husband & Wife - No Answer Back
A man was telling
his friends,
"When my wife
is infuriated, she starts shouting at me, my children and even at our dogs
and nobody dares
answer her."
One of his friends
asked. "And when you are angry, what do you do?"
The man replied,
"I also shout angrily at the windows and doors of the house
and none of them
dares to answer back.
*****
Husband & Wife - Come Home Late
A woman was
complaining to the neighbour
that her husband
always came home late, no matter how she tried to stop him.
"Take my
advice," said the neighbour, "and do what I did.
Once my husband came home at three o'clock in
the morning, and from my bed I called out:
"Is that you,
Jim?" And that cured him.
"Cured
him!" asked the woman, "but how?"
The neighbour
said, "You see, his name is Bill."
*****
GENERAL EQUATIONS & STATISTICS
A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
*****
HAPPINESS
To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a
little.
To be happy with a woman, you must love her a
lot and not try to understand her at all.
*****
LONGEVITY
Married men live longer than single men do,
but married men are a lot more willing to die.
*****
PROPENSITY TO CHANGE
A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
A man marries a woman expecting that she
won't change, and she does.
*****
DISCUSSION TECHNIQUE
A woman has the last word in any argument.
Anything a man says after that is the
beginning of a new argument.
*****
HOW
TO STOP PEOPLE FROM BUGGING YOU ABOUT GETTING MARRIED
Old aunts used to
come up to me at weddings, poking me in the ribs and cackling,
telling me,
"You're next."
They stopped after
I started doing the same thing to them at funerals.
*****