Laugh A While - Marriages

¨      Marriage is the only war where you sleep with the enemy. - Gary Busey

¨      Marriage is not a word; it is a sentence. - King Vidor

¨      Marriage is like a cage; one sees the birds outside desperate to get in,

and those inside equally desperate to get out.  - Michel de Montaigne

¨      There is only one way to have a happy marriage a

and as soon as I learn what it is, I will get married again. -Clint Eastwood

 

¨      They say love is blind...and marriage is an institution.

Well, I am not ready for an institution for the blind just yet. Mae West

¨     My wife dresses to kill. She also cooks the same way. - Henny Youngman

¨     My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met. - Rodney Dangerfield

¨     A good wife always forgives her husband when she is wrong.  - Milton Berle 

¨      I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.  - George Burns  

¨      I bought my wife a new car. She called and said,   "There was water in the carburetor."

I asked her, "Where's the car?" She replied, "In the lake." - Henny Youngman

¨     Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.

The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret.   - Henny Youngman

¨     After a quarrel, a wife said to her husband, "You know, I was a fool when I married you."

The husband replied, "Yes, dear, but I was in love and didn't notice."

¨      When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her.  

¨      I have not spoken to my wife in 18 months - I do not like to interrupt her. 

¨      My girl friend told me I should be more affectionate. Therefore, I got myself two girlfriends. 

¨      A man said his credit card was stolen but he decided not to report it

since the thief was spending much less, than his wife did.

¨     Getting married is very much like going to a restaurant with friends.
You order what you want, and then when you see what the other fellow has, you wish you had ordered that.  

¨       Man is incomplete until he is married. Then he is finished.  

¨        A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?"
   The father replied, "I don't know son, I'm still paying."  

¨     Young Son: Is it true, Dad that in some parts of Africa a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her? Dad: That happens in every country, son. 

¨     Then there was a man who said, "I never knew what real happiness was until I got married then it was too late.   

¨     A man placed an ad in the classifieds: "Wife wanted." The next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same: "You can have mine."  

¨     A woman was telling her friend, "I made my husband a millionaire." "And what was he before you married him?"  asked the friend. "A billionaire." she replied, 

¨     The trouble with being the best man at a wedding is that you never get to prove it.  

¨     A man, upon his engagement, went to his father and said," Dad! I've found a        woman just like mother” His father replied, "So what do you want? Sympathy?"

¨       Eighty percent of married men cheat in America. The rest cheat in Europe.  

¨      Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence. Second marriage is the triumph of hope over experience.  

¨     If you want your spouse to listen and pay strict attention to every word you say, talk in your sleep. 

¨     I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always.  

¨     It's not true that married men live longer than single men. It only seems longer. 

¨     Losing a wife can be very hard. In my case, it was almost impossible. 

¨     A man was complaining to a friend: "I had it all - money, a beautiful house, a big car, the love of a    beautiful woman - and then, BAM! it was all gone!"  "What happened?" asked his friend. "My wife found out..."  

¨     Just think if it weren't for marriage, men would go through life thinking they had no faults at all.  

¨     I think one of the greatest things about marriage is that as both husband and father, I can say anything I want to around the house. Of course, no one pays the least bit of attention.  

¨      A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man.  

¨      A man meets a genie. The genie tells him he can ask for whatever he wants, but his mother-in-law gets double of what he gets.  The man thinks for a moment and says, "Okay, give me a million dollars and beat me till I'm half dead."  

¨      Men who have pierced ears are better prepared for marriage. They’ve experienced pain and bought jewelry.  An expensive way to get your laundry done free. The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once.  

¨      First, guy (proudly): "My wife's an angel!"   Second guy: "You're lucky, mine's still alive

 

Humor in Marriage

 

Newly Weds - Wife to HusbandDear, don't expect the first few meals to be great.

It takes time to find the right restaurant."

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A couple drove down a country road several miles, not saying a word.

An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted to concede their position.

As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats and pigs, the husband asked sarcastically

 " Relatives of yours? "

"Yep" the wife replied “in-laws"

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Wife, one evening, drew her husband's attention to the couple next door and said,

"Do you see that couple? How devoted they are? He kisses her every time they meet.

Why don't you do that?"

"I would love to," replied the husband, "but I don't know her well enough."

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An ugly but well painted woman at a party walked up to a man and told him,

''If you were my husband, I would poison your drink."

The man replied, ‘‘if you were my wife I would drink it.''

 

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At the cocktail party, one woman said to another,

"Aren't you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?"

 The other replied, "Yes I am, I married the wrong man."

 

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Before marriage, a woman respects a man, after marriage, she suspects him

and after death she respects him.

 

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There was a guy who told his woman that he loved her so much that he would go thro' hell for her.

They got married-and now he is going thro it.

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Husband & Wife-Encounter with God

 

Once God appeared before a couple and offered to take one of them to heaven.

The husband graciously told God to take his wife.

His wife was very moved by his generosity.

Then God asked him why he offered his wife instead of himself for which he replied,

"God! If you take my wife that will be heaven enough for me!"

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Husband & Wife - Problem Father

 

"You looked troubled," I told my friend, "what's your problem?"

He replied, "I'm going to be a father."

"But that's wonderful," I said.

"What's wonderful? My wife doesn't know about it yet.

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Husband & Wife - Love Your Enemy

 

From his death bed, the husband called his wife and said,

"One month after I die I want you to marry Samy."

"Samy! But he is your enemy!"

"Yes, I know that! I've suffered all these years so let him suffer now."

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Husband & Wife - Wedding Ring

 

At the cocktail party, one woman said to another,

"Aren't you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger? "

The other replied, "Yes I am, I married the wrong man."

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Husband & Wife - Same Service

 

A husband visited a marriage counselor and said, "When we were first married, I would come home from the office, my wife would bring my slippers and our cute little dog would run around barking.

Now after ten years it's all different, I come home, the dog brings the slippers and my wife runs around barking."

"Why complain?" said the counselor. "You're still getting the same service!"

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Husband & Wife - Talk About Husband

 

One woman told another: "My neighbour is always speaking ill of her husband,

but look at me, my husband is foolish, lazy and a coward;

but have I ever said anything bad about him?"

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Husband & Wife - No Answer Back

 

A man was telling his friends,

"When my wife is infuriated, she starts shouting at me, my children and even at our dogs

and nobody dares answer her."

One of his friends asked. "And when you are angry, what do you do?"

The man replied, "I also shout angrily at the windows and doors of the house

and none of them dares to answer back.

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Husband & Wife - Come Home Late

 

A woman was complaining to the neighbour

that her husband always came home late, no matter how she tried to stop him.

"Take my advice," said the neighbour, "and do what I did.

 Once my husband came home at three o'clock in the morning, and from my bed I called out:

"Is that you, Jim?" And that cured him.

"Cured him!" asked the woman, "but how?"

The neighbour said, "You see, his name is Bill."

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GENERAL EQUATIONS & STATISTICS

A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.

A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.

A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

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HAPPINESS

To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a little.

To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all.

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LONGEVITY

Married men live longer than single men do, but married men are a lot more willing to die.

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PROPENSITY TO CHANGE

A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.

A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, and she does.

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DISCUSSION TECHNIQUE

A woman has the last word in any argument.

Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

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HOW TO STOP PEOPLE FROM BUGGING YOU ABOUT GETTING MARRIED

Old aunts used to come up to me at weddings, poking me in the ribs and cackling,

telling me, "You're next."

They stopped after I started doing the same thing to them at funerals.

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